Ramblings of a modern druidess – changes

It’s been a long time since my latest blog. I never could have imagined that falling off a horse would have such a big impact on my life.

Physically, sure. I expected as much, though not to this extend. The mental side of it took me – not by surprise – but at the very least, caught me off guard.

14 weeks is a long time to spend in a bed with nothing but your thoughts. Thankfully by the end of week 11 I could crawl down the stairs on my but and make it into the living room. Unbelievable how this can expand your horizon.

I guess it also changed me. Last week I finally received the long, long awaited news from my surgeon that the remaining ‘hardware-store’ in my foot can finally be removed. After this surgery, I can start to rebuild my foot. I don’t know if I’ll be able to dance again, or to run for a bus, let alone run for pleasure. I don’t know if there will come a day when I wake up and put my foot down and feel no pain.

Getting back in the saddle was important to me. Very important, maybe too important. It came to a point where my mental health started to depend on that one moment in the week I was allowed on a horse. No stirrups, of course, what if the screws would break! Being on that horse gave me so much. Hope, self-esteem, strength. It was one of the very few things I could do, without feeling any pain. It was scary as hell, but pure bliss and worth every second.

And then it was gone. Just like that.

Like I said, this unfortunate accident changed me. I have daily reminders of what I cannot do and that leaves me a little insecure about the future. My creative juices aren’t what they used to be. I’m more gloomy than before and still riding that emotional rollercoaster. A stupid tv commercial can have me bursting into tears, utterly annoying! Then again, most of them are so bad, anyone would start crying 😉

There was loss as well. Loss of horses, loss of people. Why? In hindsight it doesn’t matter. Not really. Won’t change the fact, I lost them.

Would things be different if I hadn’t fallen off my horse that day? Isn’t that the million dollar question? I honestly do not know. I often wished I could turn back time. Especially those weeks bound to my bed. But given the choice, would I? Maybe it’s possible there’s a future worse than this one and I got the better end. Who knows?

I do believe things happen for a reason and you have to make the best of what life throws at you. So that’s what I’m trying to do right now.

Cherish my family, my friends. Cherish my love for writing, my love for music. Those creative juices will start flowing again. And my love for horses. I will always be grateful that horses came back into my life. I’m never giving them up again. I just have to find another way. And I might have found a place to call home.

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